The Twenty Years – Reflections And An Upcoming Milestone After Parents Deaths – Part 1

Early morning of April 22, 1994 the call from my mother I hoped would never happen. It wasn’t a bad dream it was real even know it felt like a bad dream. “JoAnn”, yes mom, you need to get to the hospital I am here with your dad and their working on him. During this time in my life I was 23 years old working and living in Milwaukee. I hung up the phone, gathered up some things and headed up North to the hospital where the ambulance took my dad. My dad since 1989 was being treated for kidney failure which was in part caused by a genetic disease Poly Cystic Kidney Disease and untreated high blood pressure that caused him to have a stroke that lead to his diagnosis. He recovered from the stroke, was being treated for his high blood pressure and then started his new life of treating his kidney failure which back in the day was by peritoneal dialysis which is where they inserted a tube into this abdominal wall which would stay there and he would administer fluid into the abdomen, leave it there to work its magic by  clearing the toxins from the blood caused by the kidney failure. The solution would then be drained out and the process done over and over until one day my dad got very sick was admitted to the hospital to find out his intestine was perforated, a complication from the peritoneal dialysis. He had emergency surgery to remove the affected intestine, the dialysis tube was removed and they prepped his arm for hemodialysis. He would now have to go to a clinic and spend 3-4 or longer hours there having a machine clean the toxins from his blood three times a week. He was then put on the kidney transplant list where he waited for a call that they found him a kidney. During this time Grandma (dad’s mother) went in and was tested for a potential live donor. She was refused as she was pre diabetic. My mom tried and was refused to. Other family members weren’t considered because of the genetic PKD. I tried to get tested but they wouldn’t even consider me since I was a girl in her twenty’s and I hadn’t had children yet so they wouldn’t take my kidney. I tried to tell them that I wasn’t going to have children but they said I didn’t know that for sure at that age. To think I am now 46 and still don’t have or want children, and they thought I didn’t know at that age what I wanted. This is one thing that bothers me the most is that the doctors made up their mine that I couldn’t help my dad when all I wanted was to help him.

As I was driving up to the hospital all I thought about was my dad being at peace. I knew deep down that he wasn’t going to be coming home. I arrived at the hospital, went in to see my dad and my mom told me he was already gone. I kissed his cheek told him he was at peace now, no more doctor visits, no more pain. I left there empty as I never got to say goodbye and his life at 47 was taken to young. I was feeling very selfish the upcoming years as I was just starting my adult life and doing so many things and adventures and I didn’t have my dad, my best friend there to share my experiences with. You see I was a daddy’s girl, he taught me how to bowl, taught me how to play softball, taught me how to hunt and most of all taught me how to enjoy life and make everything fun. He could make anyone in the room laugh and you could hear his distinctive laugh a mile away.  He was full of life for such a short time. We had to learn a new normal, my mom had to learn how to live without her husband, my brother and I had to learn how to live without our dad. Dad passed away from complications from the kidney failure. The learning to live only lasted three years…..

The end of February 1997 I got another call from my mom. This time I was living with my husband John and we were living closer to my old home. “JoAnn”, yes mom, I haven’t been feeling well so I called the ambulance and they are taking me to the hospital. I was at work in Milwaukee at the time so by the time I got to the hospital they already had my mom in surgery for what they thought was an obstruction in the bowels. While I waited for the surgery to be over I thought about how it has been only three short years since my dad passed away. In those three years I moved closer to my mom so we could spend time together more often. She would make meals and bring them to John and I when we got home from work. We would go shopping, we would spend time with her first grandchild Brittany. She continued to work selling Avon to her customers and working in different restaurants. She was there for me when I got married. We at this point in our lives became best friends and I was so happy to be able to share my adult life with my mom. We didn’t get along well when I was growing up because she was trying to teach me about values, morals, how to be a decent person, the difference between right and wrong all the stuff a parent should teach their children. They aren’t there to be your best friend they are there to be your parent and hope like hell what they are teaching you sticks. I of course had to be a rebel and think my mom didn’t know what was best for me so we butted heads a lot. I think we were mad at each other more times than not mad. Through it all she never abandoned me, she was my biggest cheerleader at all my gymnastics meets, she continued to love me when I pushed her away.

The surgeon came in and told us what he found during the operation. There was a blockage in the intestine it was because she had a tumor that caused the blockage and they found that the cancer had spread throughout her body. They removed the tumor did a colostomy and told us it didn’t look good. He predicted that she could have anywhere’s from 1 to 3 weeks to live. What does one do with this type of information? One does everything possible to get everything arranged as fast as you could as you don’t know how much time you have. I ended up taking a leave of abscess from work, I packed up John’s and my rental house and moved everything into my mom’s house so I could be there with her when she was able to come home from the hospital. You hurry up and get a living trust together so her belongings don’t have to go to probate, you get a power of health care and a power of attorney set up. You contact her boss and tell them she won’t be coming back ever and contact all the people close to her. You go through the motions so fast that you don’t even take the time to understand what is all happening and why. When my mom was awake from surgery and after the doctor had talked to her about what he found I was sitting by her side and she looks and me and says “I’m sorry for being so hard on you while you were growing up”. I looked her in the eyes, hugged her and told her it was ok, it was because of how she raised me that I am the person I am today. Those words have stuck by me for the past 20 years. I think of them each day and am sad that I was so hard on my mom all those years prior. It’s nothing I can change now but move forward knowing we both loved each other very much.

Stop back tomorrow to read Part 2.